Nothing feels good when everything feels bad, or at least that is how it seems.
Sometimes when you are in the throes of grief, it takes every ounce of courage and energy you have to look for the joy in your life. Joy can feel like shame at first, guilt because you are in the middle of something incredibly difficult and you “should” yourself into thinking that you aren’t allowed to enjoy your life. Maybe you feel guilty because someone you love is experiencing something really difficult. Maybe you feel guilty because your person isn’t able to enjoy their life anymore, so you feel like you shouldn’t either. Maybe you feel like you should be giving every ounce of your energy into being a caretaker for your loved one who is experiencing an illness or other kind of trauma.
Grief will threaten to take every good thing in your life and cover it in a haze of gray, don’t let it.
Listen to me when I say this- whatever the reason the “shoulds” fill your brain, YOU get to enjoy life too. You SHOULD enjoy your life.
I know you’re sad.
I know you’re tired.
I know that your heart is broken.
I know life feels impossible, and maybe it is right now, but in the middle of it all, there are glimmers of joy to be found. Take it slow and easy. You don’t need to plan extravagant trips and make lavish plans to make space for joy in your life, whatever condition it is in.
May I introduce you to The Feel-good List?
It’s a concept that I happened upon when reading through The Grief Companion by: Ngaio Parr. Make a list of all the simple things that bring you joy. Keep it on hand for the days when you feel like you can’t even open your eyes. Give this list to your support people, so they too can help point you toward joy when grief feels entirely overwhelming.
Don’t make it complicated. Don’t make it a list of things that take a lot of prep or resources to execute. This list if for those low-energy, high depression days, when you need something, anything to get you through. Keep it simple.
My feel-good list goes like this:
A large, crispy, ice-cold Diet Coke (preferably a fountain DC, McDonald’s being the first choice, gas station in a foam cup with pebble ice being the runner-up.)
Freshly painted nails
Sunshine on my face. Specifically in the fall, when it’s not blazing hot and I am not sweating my ass off.
A nap in a cold room
Puppy zoomies
Yoga (Specifically hot yoga or goat yoga)
Belly laughing with my best friend
Water of any kind. Lake, ocean, stream or bath. (Put me by it or put me in it. I just want to be there.)
A Sharpie S-Gel .38 pen on a fresh piece of paper (Bonus joy if it’s in a brand-new notebook.)
Clean sheets after taking THE shower. (You know the one. I’m talking about- deep conditioning mask on the hair, exfoliating the entire body, shaving all the bits and nooks and crannies. It’s the one that feels like it takes an hour, but it's pure luxury when you’re done.)
The things on my list may not bring you joy, but there are little things you love, that instantly give you a moment of happiness. Write those things down. Be as specific as you can. Copy it, give it to your people and keep it close by so that you can go to it when you need.
Click here for a printable to create your own list!
Grief is a horrid beast, but not every moment has to be horrid. Let the light in. Hold onto every single piece of joy and collect it. You’ll need it to get you through the pain, and I can promise you, even thought it may not feel like it today, you will get through it. Somehow, someway.
You’re not alone.
We’re all in this together.
Love to you all.
Shea
